Match Report: Gothenburg Celtic -v- Evins KIF

Gothenburg Celtic 6-3 Evins KIF

Location: Heden 2
Attendance: 40,000 Libyan rebels
Team: Kevin, Niall, Robin, Andreas A, Andreas H, Barry, Stevie, Simon, Jim (C),Adrian, Fredrik
Subs: Gary, Jonas, Markus
Scorers: Adrian 3, Jim 2, Andreas (pen)
Man of the match: Any other game in the world it would go to the hattrick hero but this time Simon takes it.
Refwatch: Did a pretty good job considering it was past his bedtime.

So after a long year and topsy turvy first season, the Gothenburg Celts have returned to the scene of previous battles and so to has the Celtic match reports. Its been a long time but doing write ups about 6 and 7 goal defeats to mediocre and shite teams just didnt seem that inviting. With a few new faces in and few old faces out and few pretty faces still there, the hoops gathered together to get the show on the road in division 7D. It should have been a return to Division 7C but for a a case of not opening a goddamn letter on time which meant we were fucked into the Northern league. So to the sticks outside of town and places in Hisingen where, when the traffic lights are red you just keep the fuck going, we were destined. Sean, the man in the hot seat this season gave the team talk. Mark Nakamarko Johnstone was ill so the speeches on inner peace and tranquility werent to be heard. Thankfully. Kick the ball hard, run fast and score some goals and maybe not let them score any if possible Sean said before kick off. Goosebumps arose on the arms of all the Celtic players as they listened intently to their leader. That man really knows how to rally his men. "Sometimes I wish, in another life he was my father", whispered kevin to Hiller who was already welling up with tears.

Evins KIF were the opposition. A little known new team playing in bright orange shirts, they were not to be underestimated. To be honest no team could really be underestimated by the Celts who struggled at the best of times pre season against opposing teams from various subcultures and sports. Indeed a loss against a makeshift Chalmers and narrow win against Spartacus rugby club was sure to bring the hoops crashing down to earth and make them concentrate even more. Jim Lee, not long back from a non stop round the world swim (using only his mickey) for Greenpeace, took the arm band and led the troops out. The hoops started well and were psyched up like they hadnt played a competitive game for months, which they hadnt and quickly showed who was boss. After a period of serious pressure from the Celts the breakthrough finally came when a cheeky chappy for the Orange crowd denied infallible Stevie from heading home by palming the ball away on the goal line. A penalty and a yellow card it was. Of course it was. Handle the ball on purpose to deny a goal is a yellow card. Sometimes I despair, I really do. Quick negotiations about who could kick the ball hardest resulted in Big Andreas Alvarsson coming up from the back to take the spot kick. And he nearly made a pure baws of it but thankfully the keeper was half blind and couldnt hold it. One nil. The Celts continued to press against their inferior opponents and the midfield and forward line were well in command but the defence at times looked like they were a bit nervous and eventually gave the Orange Arabs a chance. Robin hacked down their striker at the edge of the box and the resulting free kick was like something fuckin Roberto Carlos would do. If he tried it a million times again he wouldnt even come close. An unstoppable shot into the far corner past Kevin led to massive celebrations on the side line.

Thankfully the celebrations and scoreline lasted barely a yoctosecond and Simon Larsson took took the ball from kick off, did his usual Elvis dance (knees and ankles everywhere) around the ball and cut the defence open with a throughball to Jim who was sprinting forward (jogging to him) on the left and blasted home. It was very nice indeed. The Celts were in the ascendancy and number three wasnt soon coming. A long ball up field in the orangies box left the speccy keeper and central defender completely confused as to what the next procedure should be decided to let the ball bounce before they made any executive decisions. Jim Lee skipped in from the left and headed over the keeper and into the net. That was 3. Big bad Jonas came into the fray soon after this and quickly made an impact up top scaring the bejaysus out of anyone who came within ten yards of him. That boy can fairly growl. The fourth came just before half time. Simon again did the hucklebuck with ball in midfield and fed a ball through to Tornado Kelly. He may have been a half a yard offside, maybe were not sure, but being the moral upstanding man he is he asked the referee if it was okay to continue playing on as he felt it was morally unjust to do so he was indeed that half a yard offside. All this while the ball was in play of course. The referee replied to play on so kelly did so slotting home left footed from a difficult angle.

Half time came and Shaun again set pulses racing with his half time pep talk. Score more goals and dont let them score any and whatever you do, kick the ball hard and run fast: was the war cry. How could a team go on to lose after such a rousing speech.

The second half turned out to be dodgy enough if the truth be telt. A few yellows were flying about. Freddie took the legs off some player and Barry Wee man syndrome White was a thorn in the kneecap of his opponent all day, feeling him up and getting him all hot and bothered. Eventually as per usual he got a yella. The Celts found themselves in acres of space at times up front as Evins pressed on up field themselves to claw their way back into the game. They neednt have bothered. Markus who had come on at half time slid a ball through the Evins defence and Kelly ran onto it. His shot came off the post but fell to barry white on the edge of the box. His vision was quite exquisite and fanstastic to spot kelly lingering at the back post about 10 yards away and dropped his cross onto the head to the striker to make it 5-1.

The game was more or less over but with a team like GBG celtic there is a good chance this is not the case. The Celts had another couple of chances to really finish it off but didnt. Jim got the ball on the right and cruised into the box as he tends to do. Simon and more importantly Kelly were queuing up waiting for the ball to come across the box so the game could be put to be bed. Lee glanced across and seen his nemeses who he felt were hellbent on taking his hattrick away from him and let out a cry of OVER MY DEAD BODY CUNTOS and unleashed the most timid shot ever in the history of the beautiful game. The keeper even managed to hold onto the ball first time it was just that timid. Infallible Stevie, the man who can shoot lightning from his finger tips, was less than impressed.

As said earlier, the Celts generally get turned on by a bit of fight and love when the opposition get feisty and dominate a bit. Two goals in quick succession for Evins followed. With only a couple a minutes remaining panic started to creep in as the the score was now 5-3. They neednt have bothered again. A free kick into the box by Andreas was headed back across by Stevie who in doing so delivered a curt elbow to the throat of the defender. All within the laws of the game of course. Gary sheehan then headed the ball again towards Tornado kelly who had a mantra of JUST CANT GET ENOUGH JUST CANT GET ENOUGH going through his head as his first hattrick loomed. A side footed stroke from six yards sealed the deal and the Celts had won their first competitive match in lightyears and got off to the best possible start to the season.

The whole team and bench all played their part. The defence worked like Camels, midfield were as creative as they have ever been and the strike force showed they can deal with anything in their way. The next game is on Thursday 21st as the the game this week was called off due to the oppostion pulling out of the league altogther. Probably because they were so shit scared of playing the Celtic.

The traditional victorious celebrations of antics in the showers ensued as the players playfully whipped each other with towels and spanked each others arses and camel toes.

hail hail.