Proletären FF 1 - 2 Gothenburg Celtic

Location: Åkeredsvallen
Attendance: 85,000 roaring communists and a dog
Team: Daniel, Niall, Glyn, Markus, Barry, Jesper, Slavic, Simon, Jim, Adrian(c), Dan
Subs: Nakamarko, Momo, Rugby Neil, Thommo
Scorers: Adrian, Jesper
Man of the match: Adrian
Refwatch: One of the good guys. A lovely auld fella who can handle a bit of swearing. Probably a laissez faire capitalist.

Gothenburg Celtic made history on saturday as they recorded their first win ever in division football with a hard earned victory over Proletären FF. At high noon in a blustery Näset the hoops kicked off against one of the more fancied sides in the league. Proletären FF, a club deeply rooted in communist ideals, was always going to be a difficult place to get a result but the 20ft high statues of Lenin and Stalin on the sidelines was just not on. But Celtic were not intimidated and prepared for the battle against the red army in the bitter windy conditions. A cold war if you will. (Yaaaas! kinda proud of that one)

Key players, Andreas and influential captain Stevie were out. The latter stuck in the UK unable to fly due to an icelandic volcano. An extremely poor excuse by all accounts and his commitment will be undoubtedly in question. Chlamydia, death, washing hair, shagging all valid excuses used in the past but an icelandic volcano!? Some people have great imaginations. Anyways Celtic started brightly and quickly took control of the game. Aided with a strong wind the götehoops won the exchanges in midfield and battled hard against a well organised Proletären outfit. Dan and Adrian were getting a lot of service up front and causing problems for the Proletären defence and goalkeeper. Jim and Niall on the right however had the most work to do as the wind made sure the ball was going to find its way to the right wing more than the left. Proletären werent completely pinned back however and got up the field causing problems for the Celtic defence.

The first clear cut chance came from an inswinging Proletären corner on the right. The big striker headed goalwards but luckily for the hoops Simon was on hand to head clear. Disaster inevitably struck midway through the first half as a long ball and b*****d of a wind caught out the Celtic defence who failed to head the ball clear of the Reds striker who neatly stotted the ball past Celtics Yankee keeper. Falling behind in games seems to be an unfortunate trait for the hoops but so too is hitting right back. With 10 minutes remaining in the half Celtic equalised in style. Jesper found the ball on the right and teed up Tornado kelly who struck a sweet left foot effort from outside the box. The Reds keeper got a hand to it but couldnt keep it out of the corner of the net. His left foot is usually for standing on and it could easily have ended up in the North sea but luckily he connected well. For the remainder of the half Celtic had chances to go ahead. Jims glancing header clipped the crossbar and Barry, Simon and Dan all had shots on goal but couldnt trouble the keeper. The Hoops went into the half in good spirits but knew they had to literally weather the storm in the second half.

The second half was always going to be an uphill battle due to the wind and Celtic losing two influential defenders. Barry and Glyn hobbled off injured forcing Simon and Jim, two attack minded midfielders, into defence. Dan dropped to the right wing, jesper to the left. Thommo, 22 years older than his engineroom counterpart Slavic, entered the frey in midfield and Momo joined Adrian up front. Nothing drastic at all, just a change or two. The second half proved frustrating for the Celts who tried to get their foot on the ball and play attacking football but a b*****d of a wind and a zealous marxist opposition made this difficult. Celtic battled on however and Markus, Simon and Slavic worked hard to keep the marxists at bay. Slavic, a teenager who has yet to grow one blade facial hair but seemingly can turn up for a match in his nightclubbing leather jacket and pointy shoes reeking of alcohol, did absolutely f***all of note in the first half in midfield except act tough and go in 15 minutes late for challenges. A lot like Scott Brown actually. Even in the second half he could not be tamed and continued to persistently foul much to the annoyance of the opposition. Luckily and miraculously the referee, a lovely old man we all agree, was having none of it and never produced a card. Unbelievably. But it was the baby faced Estonian who broke from just outside his own box midway through the half. He fed Dan on the right wing who brought play into the Proletären danger area. A neat cross field ball to Jesper in space followed and the youngster cooly slotted home leaving the keeper with no chance. 2-1 to Hoops!

As this was unfamiliar territory for the hoops, they werent sure what to do next. Panic, showboat, batter f**k outa the opposition, run off the field and into the nearby North sea bollock naked shouting Were winning! Were winning! were all viable options but the hoops settled for composure and defence. As the reds had a strong wind and a ferocious backing of 85,000 screaming communists, they were in the ascendency but frustration took over as they failed to break down the Celtic defence. Markus and Simon dominated at centre half and Jim, Niall and Slavic tidied up any scraps. American Dan (yes hes american and not putting on a dodgy California accent) had the safest hands in Sweden and shot after shot drilled goalwards was easily dealt with. He couldnt kick the ball out for shit though and the job was delegated to Simon.

The Celts didnt completely sit back however and often broke on the counter. Thommo, the Celtic veteran worked tirelessly and Nakamarko making his division 7 debut ran his legs off. Another fantastic bit of play from Jim and Jesper down the left led to a great chance for Celtic to put the fixture beyond doubt but Momo couldnt capitalise. The potential glory and chat up line got in the way and he was snuffed out at the last second! But the celts battled on and threw everything in front of the opposition. The sound oul referee blew his whistle for a memorable win the Celtic. Every credit to Proletären who in all fairness probably deserved a draw. It was truly a case of a game of two halves (No match report is complete without the obligitory cliche) The Celts promised our leftist comrades that if they ever wish to invade Afghanistan again, give us a shout and well send over a few guys who can do some serious, serious damage.

A clear message of intent was sent out to the rest of the sides in the division. We might not win pretty but we probably wont lose ugly either. The Celts went into the dressingrooms with a spring in their step and then proceded to go on the batter.

This Saturday Göteborg City is the opposition at home in Heden. Stay posted for information.

hail hail

ak